Sharing the role of caregiver in a family
At first, it seems simple; you’re looking after your mum or dad. Or your partner. You step into the role instinctively.
Then the phone calls start. People begin asking you how she’s doing, when they can visit, if it’s time to say goodbye. Your siblings ask what’s happening with the medication, or what the doctors said. You find yourself holding space not just for the person you’re caring for, but for everyone else connected to them.
Suddenly, You’re the Centre of the Web
One of the things I’ve observed in many families (and lived through in my own) is how easily the caregiver becomes the “point person.”
You’re the one the nurses speak to. You’re the one your brother defers to when he doesn’t know what to say to Mum anymore.
If you’re not careful, it can begin to feel like it’s all yours to manage. Like you’re the one who decides who’s allowed in, and who isn’t. Sometimes the person you're caring for even reinforces this: "I don't want visitors." Or "Just tell them I'm not up to it."
And so, you hold the gate. But what I’ve learned is that you don’t own this.
The Space to Say Goodbye
Every person connected to your loved one has their own relationship to them. It’s not yours to mediate. It’s not about opening the floodgates but rather softening where we’ve become too rigid. And remembering that saying goodbye, in whatever form, belongs to others too.
Letting In Support
There’s another layer to this: you may not realise how much support you’re pushing away.
Letting others in isn’t just about giving them access to the one who’s dying. It’s about allowing them to be there for you, too. Even if they can’t help in the way you would or bring energy that feels too much. It’s about being willing to receive support.
Everyone’s Relationship Is Theirs to Keep
Grief doesn’t follow a script. Neither does love. In these final stages of life, people need to find their own way to connect. To remember. To say thank you, or goodbye. Or nothing at all.
You might not agree with how your sister shows up. Or your uncle wanting to talk about old fishing trips when the moment feels heavy. Recognise that every person has their own thread in the story and they deserve a chance to hold it.
A Gentle Reminder
If you’re the one everyone turns to, thank you. Truly. You’re holding more than most people will ever see. Also please, don’t forget: you’re allowed to share the space.
Let others in, you deserve rest and support. You deserve to be part of this, not responsible for all of it. Will you let yourself breathe a little easier?
If you would like more, please check out my Course for Caregivers using this link.
Image by Albrecht Fietz from Pixabay
Then the phone calls start. People begin asking you how she’s doing, when they can visit, if it’s time to say goodbye. Your siblings ask what’s happening with the medication, or what the doctors said. You find yourself holding space not just for the person you’re caring for, but for everyone else connected to them.
Suddenly, You’re the Centre of the Web
One of the things I’ve observed in many families (and lived through in my own) is how easily the caregiver becomes the “point person.”
You’re the one the nurses speak to. You’re the one your brother defers to when he doesn’t know what to say to Mum anymore.
If you’re not careful, it can begin to feel like it’s all yours to manage. Like you’re the one who decides who’s allowed in, and who isn’t. Sometimes the person you're caring for even reinforces this: "I don't want visitors." Or "Just tell them I'm not up to it."
And so, you hold the gate. But what I’ve learned is that you don’t own this.
The Space to Say Goodbye
Every person connected to your loved one has their own relationship to them. It’s not yours to mediate. It’s not about opening the floodgates but rather softening where we’ve become too rigid. And remembering that saying goodbye, in whatever form, belongs to others too.
Letting In Support
There’s another layer to this: you may not realise how much support you’re pushing away.
Letting others in isn’t just about giving them access to the one who’s dying. It’s about allowing them to be there for you, too. Even if they can’t help in the way you would or bring energy that feels too much. It’s about being willing to receive support.
Everyone’s Relationship Is Theirs to Keep
Grief doesn’t follow a script. Neither does love. In these final stages of life, people need to find their own way to connect. To remember. To say thank you, or goodbye. Or nothing at all.
You might not agree with how your sister shows up. Or your uncle wanting to talk about old fishing trips when the moment feels heavy. Recognise that every person has their own thread in the story and they deserve a chance to hold it.
A Gentle Reminder
If you’re the one everyone turns to, thank you. Truly. You’re holding more than most people will ever see. Also please, don’t forget: you’re allowed to share the space.
Let others in, you deserve rest and support. You deserve to be part of this, not responsible for all of it. Will you let yourself breathe a little easier?
If you would like more, please check out my Course for Caregivers using this link.
Image by Albrecht Fietz from Pixabay
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