Grief can come up in any part of life where we are faced with a big change, like a relationship break-up, but it doesn’t have to be all trauma and drama!
Here are 4 tips to have a lot more ease with the ending of a relationship, and embrace the beginning of something different:
1/ Stop looking for what went wrong.
When a relationship ends, we often spend many fruitless hours trying to work out what went wrong so that we can avoid making the same mistake in the future. We get tied up in regrets, blame and guilt. But what if there isn’t actually anything wrong with you, or with the relationship ending? All of us, deep down, know that every ending is also a new beginning, so what if you could see what’s right about it? Instead looking for the wrongness in yourself, the break up, or even in your ex-partner, ask: “what is right about this I haven’t been willing to acknowledge?” Every time you catch yourself going into ‘wrong’ mode, stop and ask “What’s right about this? What’s right about me?” Open your eyes to the gifts of the situation, rather than the problems!
2/ Don’t compare yourself with your ex, or anyone else.
In today’s social media focussed world, people are constantly projecting images of perfect, happy lives. But the images you see on social media are just that – images. You are seeing only what people want you to see, you aren’t seeing the reality of the situation. Instead of looking at what your ex is doing, what your coupled friends are doing, what other people are doing and judging it against your own life, start to LIVE your life, for you! Get out into the world and explore it. Discover what makes you happy. Take up an old hobby, take more walks out in nature. Read that book you never got around to. Take a random road trip. Start to prioritize you. Nurture and care for you, and don’t worry about what anyone else is doing!
3/ Don’t make anything significant.
Sometimes break ups can bring up resentments, recriminations, or we our ex-partners can say or do things that can appear hurtful. A friend of mine broke up with a man she had been living with for 4 years. Two weeks later he had a new live-in girlfriend. She was angry and upset, “Four years, and he has just moved on like I didn’t even matter!” I asked her, “Does it really change anything? Is what he is choosing really relevant to you?” and she said “Well, no, it isn’t!” When she gave up making what he did significant, she didn’t have to play the victim, or get angry, or feel wronged, or judge herself. She could instead focus on what was relevant to her. What other people choose doesn’t actually mean anything good or bad about you. It’s just the choice they are making. The only choices that have anything to do with you, are yours. What would you like to choose now that you haven’t chosen before?
4/ Have gratitude for you.
Do you value you? Do you see yourself as a gift? Are you grateful for yourself and the life you lead? Or do you refuse to see the greatness of you unless someone else sees it first? It’s not uncommon to hear people say “I don’t know who I am without this person,” after a break-up. This occurs when you see your value only through the other person’s eyes, and never your own. Take this time to train yourself to become your own cheerleader! Every day, write down 3 things you are grateful for about you. Keep a list, and make it grow. The beautiful thing about gratitude is that the more you put your attention on it, the more it grows. What if you could truly embrace the gift you are, no matter if there was anyone else around to acknowledge it or not?
What if you can allow yourself the moments of feeling sad or upset, but not allow it to stop you from fully embracing the change that has come your way?
Here are 4 tips to have a lot more ease with the ending of a relationship, and embrace the beginning of something different:
1/ Stop looking for what went wrong.
When a relationship ends, we often spend many fruitless hours trying to work out what went wrong so that we can avoid making the same mistake in the future. We get tied up in regrets, blame and guilt. But what if there isn’t actually anything wrong with you, or with the relationship ending? All of us, deep down, know that every ending is also a new beginning, so what if you could see what’s right about it? Instead looking for the wrongness in yourself, the break up, or even in your ex-partner, ask: “what is right about this I haven’t been willing to acknowledge?” Every time you catch yourself going into ‘wrong’ mode, stop and ask “What’s right about this? What’s right about me?” Open your eyes to the gifts of the situation, rather than the problems!
2/ Don’t compare yourself with your ex, or anyone else.
In today’s social media focussed world, people are constantly projecting images of perfect, happy lives. But the images you see on social media are just that – images. You are seeing only what people want you to see, you aren’t seeing the reality of the situation. Instead of looking at what your ex is doing, what your coupled friends are doing, what other people are doing and judging it against your own life, start to LIVE your life, for you! Get out into the world and explore it. Discover what makes you happy. Take up an old hobby, take more walks out in nature. Read that book you never got around to. Take a random road trip. Start to prioritize you. Nurture and care for you, and don’t worry about what anyone else is doing!
3/ Don’t make anything significant.
Sometimes break ups can bring up resentments, recriminations, or we our ex-partners can say or do things that can appear hurtful. A friend of mine broke up with a man she had been living with for 4 years. Two weeks later he had a new live-in girlfriend. She was angry and upset, “Four years, and he has just moved on like I didn’t even matter!” I asked her, “Does it really change anything? Is what he is choosing really relevant to you?” and she said “Well, no, it isn’t!” When she gave up making what he did significant, she didn’t have to play the victim, or get angry, or feel wronged, or judge herself. She could instead focus on what was relevant to her. What other people choose doesn’t actually mean anything good or bad about you. It’s just the choice they are making. The only choices that have anything to do with you, are yours. What would you like to choose now that you haven’t chosen before?
4/ Have gratitude for you.
Do you value you? Do you see yourself as a gift? Are you grateful for yourself and the life you lead? Or do you refuse to see the greatness of you unless someone else sees it first? It’s not uncommon to hear people say “I don’t know who I am without this person,” after a break-up. This occurs when you see your value only through the other person’s eyes, and never your own. Take this time to train yourself to become your own cheerleader! Every day, write down 3 things you are grateful for about you. Keep a list, and make it grow. The beautiful thing about gratitude is that the more you put your attention on it, the more it grows. What if you could truly embrace the gift you are, no matter if there was anyone else around to acknowledge it or not?
What if you can allow yourself the moments of feeling sad or upset, but not allow it to stop you from fully embracing the change that has come your way?
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