Recently, I was interviewed on "For the Luv of Learning" radio show about the Kindness of Being You and the first question the hosts, Simone Padur and Christine DeDomenico, asked me was: What is kindness with yourself? What does that actually look like?
 
I explained using an example from my book, "Dying Happy: The Gift of Choice."

I chose to care for my mother when she was dying.  A lot of people go into caring for someone putting the person who is dying or ill first, and themselves second.

When I chose to take this on, I was very up front, I asked myself, "If I am going to do this, I am choosing for me.  How is this going to work for me? What do I need to be aware of and what do I need to choose?"

That was really a kindness for me. Making sure that I am choosing this for myself - not for my family, siblings, parents or anyone else.

That one simple choice right up front was a kindness as then I could do what I had to do and be there for my mother completely without getting tired or exhausted.

When you are living for the should, must, have to, it can get very exhausting. But if you are willing to choose for you, you become the leader and are able to choose, communicate and delegate what you need to so that it works for you and all elements are still taken care of.

You can listen to the full interview and have some fun exploring what being kind to YOU means for you here:

Hugs,
Wendy xx

DID YOU KNOW?...
You can get a copy of Wendy's book "Dying Happy the Gift of Choice" on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback:​

​Have you ever paid attention to how often you will criticise rather than congratulate yourself in any moment?
 
Most people don’t even realise how much judgement they lay on themselves on a daily basis – about their bodies, relationships, money situation – you name it. We are way too good at being hard on ourselves!
 
We also don’t realise that the judgement that we do and the mental habit of believing that we are limited and have limited resources and choices available in life is the #1 reason we feel the lack of joy, peace and celebration of living.
 
What if today, you gave yourself a break?
 
What if today, you made a different choice, and it began to change something?
 
What if you made a commitment to be kind to you and not judge you, no matter what? It may not be easy, but give it a go, I wonder it could open your eyes to? Maybe you would begin to see what a gift you actually are!
 
If you are not sure where to start, start simple. Make a commitment that for at least 2 minutes a day, or at intervals throughout the day, you will take a quiet moment to be present with you and consciously choose to be kind to you… whether that is a kind thought about you or your body, a moment of gratitude for something you said or did that created a sense of joy or space in your world and / or someone else’s, or acknowledging something nice that showed up in your life and being grateful that you received it!
 
And what if, after every time you choose to do that – you celebrate it!  Be grateful that you chose that, that you chose something different, something that was kind and caring to you. Notice what making that choice changes about you mentally and physically throughout the day.
 
Your point of view creates your reality and your life.  What point of view do you have around kindness, or about you?  Are you willing to be as kind to you as you are to others, or to your pet?  Probably not!  But if you are willing to start with this little moments of kindness and celebration, you might find that you will choose to celebrate rather than judge more and more.

By Amanda Holland.

​Recently, someone I cared about passed away.  My Granddad was 90 years old, and sometimes when people are around that long, you think somehow there is always tomorrow.  It’s easy to push aside the thought that someone might be here today and gone tomorrow – I mean, no one wants to spend all their time worrying about that, do they? Why make yourself look at something that seems to have no possible answer except to be sad about something you can't avoid?  But after being with my Granddad during his last few weeks on earth, and being there as he died, I am glad I didn't avoid the sad stuff.  and here's why.

I chose to stay with my Granddad during what was supposed to be a couple of weeks of getting back into the swing of things after a fall and a few weeks of promising rehabilitation, but what ended up being his last few weeks of life.  I am grateful that we had the chance to talk about this and that, to enjoy watching old British murder mysteries on TV, and to give him a hug when he said, "Thanks for looking after me today."

My granddad was also ridiculously stubborn.  He didn't receive help easily. It wasn't easy to watch him struggle, knowing there were some things he just wouldn't allow me to help him with, even if it would've made his life easier. The morning he passed away, we were both getting ready to go visit my grandma in the nursing home.  I was there when he fell over and went into cardiac arrest. I called the ambulance and stayed on the phone; I had to do CPR until they arrived. 

A lot of people who knew I was there when he passed away would immediately remark how traumatic it must be.  They probably crossed themselves and thank God they haven't been in that situation, and hope they never will. A lot of people avoid being with ageing family members, or avoid looking at what is coming hoping it'll just happen and they'll ride that wave when it comes.

But for me, the whole experience was a gift.  And I was so glad that I had been prepared and aware.  A week before my Granddad had died, I was telling my friend and colleague, Wendy Mulder that I desired to be more 'switched on' in life. I didn't want to miss opportunities and moments by not being present enough, or by avoiding dealing with the difficult parts of caring for my Granddad, or with anything I perceived as difficult or challenging. I am so glad I got to have that conversation with Wendy, because I approached things different when I got back to my Granddad that day. At that time, I didn't know that my grandfather would soon pass away, but I did know that it was important to me not to avoid anything or become distant or switched-off when it became uncomfortable or unfamiliar. 

And for helping me navigate all those places that we are told must be fraught with grief or stress, Wendy has been a huge gift in my life.  She has been there for both me and my mother when it was time to put my grandmother in a nursing home.  The tools and questions and advice she had, both from her own experience, but also with the tools and questions she would offer, made the process phenomenally easier, as it has made dealing with my grandmother's Alzheimer’s (and helping my Mum deal with it) so much lighter and easier, too.  In the time leading up to my Granddad's death and the weeks afterwards, Wendy gave me tools and possibilities for being and doing something completely different.  For not losing myself amidst the drama and sadness, to empower myself and those around me as well.

When caring for ageing people, we often see their lives shrink and we think there is less and less we can do, that it's kind of a one-way trajectory and we can feel powerless about it. But what my conversations with Wendy have shown me is that there's ALWAYS so much more possible and it never looks like how you think it will! Through her amazing insights and different points of view, I have realised that there are all kinds of areas of life where we are taught to believe grief has to prevail, that doesn’t have to be so. In fact, it can open your eyes to something so amazing and beautiful, if you are willing to just be there and not judge what is going on.

The day my granddad died, I felt sad, and I felt relieved for the end of his struggle, and I knew that everything was going to change for a lot of people.  And it wasn’t a bad thing.  I could feel whatever I was feeling without any sense of wrongness.  I could allow everything that was coming up, for me and others, to just be there, and to let things be chaotic, messy, sad and joyful all at the same time. To be able to be present in the moment, no matter what was occurring, is something I didn’t even consider I could be, especially in the midst of losing someone for whom I have cared so deeply my entire life. But I did it and I am it, and I am so grateful for Wendy empowering me to be that.

It has always been interesting to me that when we are caring for other people, and particularly, when caring for other people’s bodies, we seem to dynamically neglect our own.
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Health-care workers can be the worst perpetrators of this!

When I was caring for my mother as she was dying, it was so important for me to take time to care for my own body, to spend an hour each day nurturing and caring for me, connecting in and checking in with my body, and also the beauty around me.  This allowed me to connect with the sense of peace, calm, joy and gratitude that is available in every moment. 

It’s not difficult to connect with and begin nurturing your body, and if you do, you will discover that caring for your body is one of the most nurturing and dynamic gateways for living life with greater ease and joy.

Here are two really great tools to rediscover the joy with your amazing body. I recommend you start doing this regularly.  You will be amazed how much change you can create if you make this commitment.

TOOL #1:  Rediscovering the joy of your body

It is time to start asking your body some questions, and let it contribute to you?

When you wake up in the morning, touch your arms, your stomach, your face, gently and just connect in and say “Hi.”  Acknowledge it is there, and it is there with you. You might even being to thank it for being with you despite all the judgment you have heaped on it or the ignoring you have done of it.  What if you could start to be grateful for your body anew in this moment? 

Start tapping into your body every time you are making a decision that involves your body.  Ask:

• If your body was talking to you now, what would it say? 
• What would it request or desire of you?
• If it’s constantly aching, tired, or restless what is it asking for?
• What food or drink does it desire?  Does it actually desire food or drink, or something else?
• What would it like to wear today?
• What does your body desire to contribute to you that you haven’t been willing to receive?
• What are you grateful for about your body that you haven’t acknowledged?

For everything that involves your body, start asking your body what it would like.  It may take a while to start speaking the language of your body, but just start, and it’ll get easier, and more fun!

Tool #2:  The One Metre walk. 
This is practice for being present with your body and your surroundings. 

Go somewhere where you can have some space and not be disturbed, you are about to go for the slowest walk of your life!  Take one step, and then stop. Start taking notice of your body and your surroundings as you stand there. Your posture, the feeling of the ground underneath your feet.  The air on your skin, your clothes on your skins.  What smells, sounds, vibrations are you aware of?  Is it different if you open or close your eyes? – What can you notice and acknowledge about you, your body, and the environment around you that you have never noticed before? How much can you notice around you before taking another step?  How long can you stand in one spot and keep noticing more and more things?

If you got back to the same place twice, what different things can you notice from last time?  You will be surprised how much we miss when we aren’t truly being present with us and our bodies in our lives.

Enjoy playing with these and remember – nurturing your body will allow you to nurture others with far greater ease.  For what reason would you not want give yourself, and everybody else, that wonderful gift?

I have a bit of a different point of view of what a “Leader” is.  It’s not about being in control or “in charge” of people, a situation, or having followers.  To me, a leader is someone who is truly willing to LIVE! 
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Living as a leader is about being willing to choose what works for you and creates the most in life, regardless of what other people think, say and do.  It’s also being willing to let other people choose what they need to choose, while never stop yourself from choosing what you need to choose, either.

Are you ready to no longer be a product of your past experiences, or of the attitudes of the people around you and just BE YOU – totally and joyfully?

If you are, here are my top 7 tips for creating it all with ease, kindness, and joy:

Being the Leader Tool #1: Make a demand to commit to your life
Demand of yourself every day to have allowance, to practice choosing, to be present, have gratitude and celebrate you.  If you choose to change it, it will change.  But you have to be willing to do whatever it takes, and change your “can’t, shouldn’t and won’t” points of view to “what else is possible?” points of view!
 
Being the Leader Tool #2: Interesting point of view – whose is it anyway?
Anytime any doubt comes up, or you feel hesitant, or stuck, or upset – whose point of view is that?  Is it really yours? Or is it how your Mum feels about life? Is it how most people feel about their lives?  Is it something you were taught that was true that isn’t?  Is it really true for you (remember the heavy / light tool) or is it just an interesting point of view?
 
Being the Leader Tool #3: Ask Questions every day!
·       What can I choose today that will allow me to keep moving forward right away?
·       What else is possible that I have never considered?
·       How does it get any better than this?
·       What would be kind / nurturing / joyful for me to choose right now?
·       What does my body require and desire of me and what does it desire to contribute to me?
 
Be the Leader Tool #4: Choose!
If something isn’t working, if you are going down the rabbit hole of judgment, ok cool, no problem.  Choose it. And then you have another 10 seconds, choose again! If that choice doesn’t work, choose again.  If something isn’t changing, make a different choice.
 
Being the Leader Tool #5:  Give yourself permission to have it easy.
Do something that is fun for you.  If you are not feeling great, be willing to ask questions, do something simple that adds to your life – put on bright clothes, listen to some nurturing music, stand outside in the sun for 5 minutes and just listen to your breathing.
 
Being the Leader Tool #6: Don’t give up and never give in!
Re-visit these tips, and use the questions consciously over and over until it becomes second nature to you.  This is a different way of functioning you may need to give yourself some time.  It’s not about getting it all right – spend 3 days on one tool and see what changes… Focus on gratitude for a week… pick one thing and indulge in it.  There’s no right or wrong. Just as there is no right or wrong way to grieve, there is no right or wrong way to change things and live your life – it’s your life, choose what works for you!
 
Being the Leader Tool #7: Acknowledge you.
Take some time to notice what has changed in your life – without the filter of judgment.  Is it possible you have actually created more than you think you have?  Where is there ease in your life now that seems so natural to you, you might have forgotten that a few days or weeks ago it wasn’t an area of ease?  Sometimes change does occur quickly and gently, and if we don’t acknowledge ourselves, we will miss the changes that have shown up for us!
 
Ease, freedom and joyful exuberance is part of living, if you choose it to be there – no matter what has occurred in your life.  You truly can create whatever you desire.  Use these tips to play with what would be fun for you to create in life. Where would you like to lead yourself today?

Grief can come up in any part of life where we are faced with a big change, like a relationship break-up, but it doesn’t have to be all trauma and drama! 

Here are 4 tips to have a lot more ease with the ending of a relationship, and embrace the beginning of something different:


​1/  Stop looking for what went wrong. 
When a relationship ends, we often spend many fruitless hours trying to work out what went wrong so that we can avoid making the same mistake in the future.  We get tied up in regrets, blame and guilt. But what if there isn’t actually anything wrong with you, or with the relationship ending?  All of us, deep down, know that every ending is also a new beginning, so what if you could see what’s right about it?  Instead looking for the wrongness in yourself, the break up, or even in your ex-partner, ask: “what is right about this I haven’t been willing to acknowledge?”  Every time you catch yourself going into ‘wrong’ mode, stop and ask “What’s right about this?  What’s right about me?” Open your eyes to the gifts of the situation, rather than the problems! 

2/  Don’t compare yourself with your ex, or anyone else. 
In today’s social media focussed world, people are constantly projecting images of perfect, happy lives.  But the images you see on social media are just that – images.  You are seeing only what people want you to see, you aren’t seeing the reality of the situation.  Instead of looking at what your ex is doing, what your coupled friends are doing, what other people are doing and judging it against your own life, start to LIVE your life, for you! Get out into the world and explore it. Discover what makes you happy. Take up an old hobby, take more walks out in nature.  Read that book you never got around to. Take a random road trip.  Start to prioritize you. Nurture and care for you, and don’t worry about what anyone else is doing!

3/  Don’t make anything significant. 
Sometimes break ups can bring up resentments, recriminations, or we our ex-partners can say or do things that can appear hurtful.  A friend of mine broke up with a man she had been living with for 4 years.  Two weeks later he had a new live-in girlfriend.  She was angry and upset, “Four years, and he has just moved on like I didn’t even matter!”  I asked her, “Does it really change anything?  Is what he is choosing really relevant to you?” and she said “Well, no, it isn’t!”  When she gave up making what he did significant, she didn’t have to play the victim, or get angry, or feel wronged, or judge herself. She could instead focus on what was relevant to her. What other people choose doesn’t actually mean anything good or bad about you.  It’s just the choice they are making. The only choices that have anything to do with you, are yours. What would you like to choose now that you haven’t chosen before?
 
4/  Have gratitude for you. 
Do you value you? Do you see yourself as a gift? Are you grateful for yourself and the life you lead?  Or do you refuse to see the greatness of you unless someone else sees it first?  It’s not uncommon to hear people say “I don’t know who I am without this person,” after a break-up.  This occurs when you see your value only through the other person’s eyes, and never your own.  Take this time to train yourself to become your own cheerleader!  Every day, write down 3 things you are grateful for about you.  Keep a list, and make it grow. The beautiful thing about gratitude is that the more you put your attention on it, the more it grows.  What if you could truly embrace the gift you are, no matter if there was anyone else around to acknowledge it or not? 

What if you can allow yourself the moments of feeling sad or upset, but not allow it to stop you from fully embracing the change that has come your way? 

The joy of living is our ability to choose and change all the time – but we seem to only embrace it when it aligns with our definition of what ‘good’ change is!
 
When we have decided that it’s a ‘good’ change, we allow it to improve and enrich us; when it’s ‘bad’ change, we experience deep loss and go into a sense of lack.  But what creates the idea of what changes are good and which are bad?
 
The choice to experience change as loss is a symptom of a bigger societal trend.  It is not actually what would necessarily work for you, or be in your (or anyone else’s) best interest.  What if the whole concept of loss is based solely on how you have seen everybody else do it, how you have been taught to do it, and prevails only because you think you have no other choice? It would be too weird to grieve differently – or would it?  What if you could start to make the choice to see things differently, and what if you could experience all change, any change, with a sense of gratitude and of possibility?

As someone who nurtured both my parents and my best friend in their way out of life, I realised that we have so many different choices when it comes to grief, loss and change in our lives. And the less judgment we have of things, the more joy and beauty is available in every moment.

What if death, or those changes we have been taught to believe in as the ‘losses’ in life, were not the bad and wrong things we have been told, but a change that creates a different possibility for everyone involved?
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Imagine being able to be there for someone who is dying with kindness, gratitude and non-judgment.  What difference would that make for them, and you?  Imagine being able to farewell a loved one and allow your life to become greater, and not less as a result of the contribution they were in your life, whether that was for a long while, or a short while? Imagine being able to have the sadness of saying goodbye to something or someone you loved, but never losing the sense of possibility, the connection with joy, gratitude and greatness that is part of you?

There are gifts in every moment.  Every change, no matter whether society tells us it’s a desirable change or not, has endless possibilities – if we are willing to receive the gifts they bring us.

When we experience a significant change or loss in our lives, is it true that there must be a time to grieve, a time to heal, and a time that comes when we can, at last, move forward?

We have been taught to believe that there is structure and framework to grief – for example, “The five stages” of grief tell you that grief is made up of feelings and emotions of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance as a part of dealing with loss.

A common misconception is that if you move on too quickly, it’s not real; you are in denial, you are suppressing your true sadness, or you are doing something wrong.  People can develop a sense of guilt about being happy when they have lost a loved one, or don’t want to ‘move on’ because they believe it is dishonouring of their memory. What if none of this is real or true?  Would your loved one really want you to be sad?

What if you didn’t have stay miserable to prove how much you cared?  What if you could care, have gratitude, and yes, tears and sadness too – but what if you could choose, rather than do it the way everyone else says is correct? And what if joy could be part of it all, too?

I know a young lady whose father passed away when she was 15.  Her mother very shortly after re-kindled a high-school romance, whilst she instead spent the next 10 years using the loss of her father to explore her own ideas about death, change and life, and in the process contributed to many others who had also experienced loss.  Neither of these ways of dealing with loss is wrong, and the young woman is grateful for her experience in creating the person she is today. She realised that when she didn’t buy into any belief that her mother moved on too quickly, or that she took too long to move on, she could see the gift that each of their journeys was to their own lives and each other.

Moving forward isn’t about leaving anything behind, or ‘getting over’ a trauma, but choosing to live in each moment. It is making a choice to be present and grateful in life, even when things are not so rosy.

If there’s one thing that I have learned by my own journey with losing loves ones, is that every moment is a gift and you can receive all of it with ease, if you are willing! 
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What gift could we be in the world if we didn’t worry about how to grieve or how to move on, and just chose in the moment whatever it is we need to choose?